Just Pour Some Vodka on It: Or Something Like That…

WOW! I’m a man - and I just don’t get it. Which, of course, may be of no surprise to many of you reading this. But hang on a minute; It’s not that I don’t get women, it’s that you are so freakin powerful and I wonder if you are even aware of it! Before I continue, let me be clear: I don’t make up excuses for behaviour. That’s just not me. Yet, at the same time, it’s important that we become aware of how bad behaviour develops. And I’m talking about BAD behaviour, not bad (wink wink) behaviour. For example, when we are treated badly – disrespected, ignored, manipulated, etc – we sometimes find other ways of coping with those lousy feelings that come along with that.

One way to deal with bad behaviour is to pour vodka on it. Hey, I’ve done it. When my former girlfriend and I broke up not too long ago I went out and poured gin aaaalllllllll over those feelings of rejection. Yeah, I forgot about them that evening, but they got me again the next day! So, those ways of coping can come in various forms and are typically self destructive in a variety of ways – physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually.

What the heck am I talking about? And didn’t I say that women are powerful? Ok, here we go. Whenever someone behaves badly toward you, you will resist that bad behaviour---we all do. Therefore, YOU. ARE. NOT. A. HELPLESS. VICTIM. You respond in ways that keep you safe. If your girl/boyfriend/spouse is treating you poorly or abusing your trust in some way, you always take action to resist that. Anyway, let me try and sum up this idea from the guy who initiated the idea - Alan Wade. He put this idea out there in an article way back in 1997: Small Acts of Living: Everyday Resistance to Violence and Other Forms of Oppression. Basically, when you think about how you would stop those acts against you, or refuse to be a part of it, or imagine a better way of being, you are then responding through resisting.

Now, can you think of how you respond, either outright or in the background (passively)? For example, when your partner withholds affection from you (emotionally harming you), how do you respond? Do you tell him/her to f**k off, or do you try to imagine a relationship where both of you are affectionate unconditionally? BOTH are equally valid ways of responding to and resisting violence and oppression. Do you see your power? When we become aware that everything we do (or appear not to do) is an act of resistance, then we become powerful. We become agents of change in our own lives. You are not a victim of the garbage that happens around you. You get to choose how your life rolls out and how you respond.

Think about your power. Think about how you respond and how resistance works in your life.

Next time, we will explore how someone who treats you badly – a spouse, parent, co-worker – is also using some kind of self-destructive coping mechanism. This is not to excuse the behaviour but to understand its origins. Stay tuned.

Slow-Burn Epiphany

The other day, on Twitter, I said, “Acknowledging the positive is more effective than berating the negative.” What’s wrong with me? You all know that I like rage against the machine – point out what is wrong with how things are done in our society. And don’t get me wrong – I see many things wrong with how we allow our society to be run. Like, 1% of our population owning 50% of our wealth! Grrrrrrr…..

But something else has come up for me recently. It’s been like a slow-burn epiphany of sorts. Over the last few months, I have made an effort to acknowledge the positive in my life, and have begun to believe those that acknowledge the same in me. And I notice the difference! My outlook is more positive overall. In the face of the negative that happens around me, I still feel happy.

So, with this newfound positive outlook, what’s a guy to do when I see all these problems!!!? This came up on my social media accounts over the last little while. I expressed offence at consistently being referred to as a “taxpayer” in the media and by politicians of all stripes. Some people agreed and expressed their frustration while others express privilege at being acknowledged for contributing financially to our country. Differences are to be expected. But how do I reconcile this newfound positive outlook with the pointing out of problems?

I see it like this: if I’m going to point out a problem in our society/system/etc then I better be prepared to offer a solution. Or point to those that are working on a solution.

So here it is. The term “taxpayer” as the media and politicians use it, leaves out many people who can’t contribute financially to our system. It assumes they don’t have a voice because they don’t contribute. Yet, on close examination, all of us contribute in various ways – taxes being but one of those ways. Think about all the ways you contribute every day to make Canada the kind of society it is. It also assumes that all who pay taxes have a voice. This is untrue. Businesses and corporations pay taxes but are not entitled to a say in our democracy: they can’t vote or otherwise participate directly – only individual citizens can.

My solution: lets get back to referring to ourselves as citizens so we are all included! A citizen is an individual that is entitled to participate in our democracy and contributes in a variety of ways to Canadian society.

Passion and Delusion

What does it mean to be passionate; to really, I mean REALLY believe in something? When someone is passionate about an issue, are they deluded into believing that what they do and think will change things? Is what they fill their thoughts and time with based on an irrational belief that isn't the reality for anyone else?

I suppose we all know people like this. Sometimes, we call them 'zealots', 'ideologues', 'fundamentalists'. We may refer to them as 'idealistic' or suggest that they are 'unrealistic' or 'impractical'. To understand what it means to be passionate about something one has to understand what drives the passion. Everything we do - our behaviors, attitudes, beliefs - is rooted somewhere in our past. Even if our past is twelve minutes ago.

My experience with beliefs and behaviors is that we tend to operate at the level of fear. Wait! don't leave yet, it's not all about negativity! Humans have tens of thousands of years of evolutionary experience crammed into our brains. Much of it had to do with survival - that fight or flight impulse. This is not something we are bound to overcome with only a couple of hundred years of modern-era living. We used to operate in survival mode - much of humanity still does (if you are reading this, you are one of the precious few humans that don't have to be concerned about day to day survival - you, are wealthy and privileged). This mode of existence is ingrained in us. We can't escape it.

But, we can adapt. And adapt is what we do best. So, those of us that are passionate about issues, beliefs politics, science etc are typically trying to make the world a better place. Why? Because we fear a world without the benefits of what we are passionate about. We don't want to see things to stay the same - we want less pain, more convenience or greater equality. Or, for my more conservative friends, we want to ensure our life and society remains more or less predictable. So, out of fear, we get fired up - this is not a bad thing. It is what has driven human kind - we have great civilizations, technologies, insights and, yes, social interventions to show for this instinct.

In the end, it seems that having passion does not mean one has delusional tendencies. But what is important is tempering that passion to coincide with our present reality. Understanding that it is rooted in fear of something and fear is not a healthy way to operate every day - even though so much good has come out of people being passionate.

It's all about awareness of ourselves and balance.

Parents – Can’t Live With ‘em, Can’t Shoot ‘em!

Having spent almost three weeks with my parents this summer, then another week in the fall, I've learned a thing or two. Of course, no matter what one does, there is always something to learn. But I think our parents really bring out those opportunities. For many years, I have found the relationship with my own parents somewhat of an enigma; like I was missing something along the way. The thing is, I've always believed that we always try to be better parents than what our parents were. This was never more real to me than after I had my own kids. Both their mom and I purposely did things differently than what we experienced as kids. The enigma, the unreachable, missing piece to my relationship with my parents was that I couldn't figure out why my parents didn't appear to do things any differently than their parents. Well, what did I know!!

It seems that ALL of us have that impulse – to be better parents to our own children. That includes our own parents. Given my propensity to observe among other things, the behaviour of others, I knew this. But I didn't know the details surrounding what that means. Now I know. Now the enigma is no more and I get it. What my parents do, what your parents do, is a reaction to their own parents. It may not be perfect – may even be quite dysfunctional – but they are trying to do it differently than they experienced it.

But enough about me and you and our reactions to our parents. What about their reactions and behaviours toward us, as adult children? What is it that they are trying to do? It may be difficult for many of us to believe but our parents are, essentially, human – just like us! It seems to me that as such, they will tend to react in ways that other typical humans act and behave. They will behave out of fear. The fear can be real and rational or it can be perceived and irrational. So the reality is, when our parents behave/react towards us, they are reacting to fear. We all do at some level. The question remains, are they reacting to rational fear or irrational fear?

The key to solving this mystery is to sit back and notice our own reactions and behaviours. When I stridently hold to a belief, what is my deep motivation for doing so? If I'm angry at my child for not doing the dishes when I've asked them to, what am I afraid of losing? Beyond the obvious, what am I trying to accomplish by impressing my boss or client? Deeper acknowledgement of our true selves can reveal that these behaviours are rooted in experiences we had when we were young children. These served us well for some time. Fear of losing control, fear of being wrong, fear of not being accepted – or even abandoned. So we develop behaviours that help to alleviate those things. The problem is, as adults, we have much more control of our environment than we did as children. But we are reacting to those same fears.

And our parents are too. It is very likely they are nor more self-aware than I am – maybe even less. This doesn't excuse anyone's behaviour or seek to address blame for our own behaviour. It provides information and understanding to help us grow....

Are All Small Towns Equal?

I just spent almost 3 weeks in a small Saskatchewan town. That was an eye-opener! First I encountered some severely racist attitudes...particularly toward Aboriginal Peoples, then a kind of closed-mindedness to many things progressive. First, the "Indians" were compared to animals in that you can't 'teach em anything, they're too wild'. WOW! Was I in Canada still? The other thing I noticed - particularly on coffee row - was that many people tend to take a personal anecdotal occurrence and make it the rule in society. Never mind that their experience might be the exception to the rule or that they may have not had all the information. Now, I know that this kind of thing happens everywhere - in fact, i remember it happening in a conversation with some "progressive" friends at Christmas regarding our privilege as white, middle-class people in our society. But I digress....

Of course, even as I write this I realize that I am using anecdotal evidence to generalize across rural prairie towns. But it was so striking. Nobody talked about what the trends were or stats or studies. Even the talk show host out of Saskatoon constantly uses anecdotal evidence to support his (mostly) right-wing rants against climate change, taxation, social program spending etc.

I can't help but draw a comparison to the small town in BC that I have been in since four yesterday afternoon - Fernie, BC. When driving through the prairies, I was hard-pressed to find a coffee shop - local or otherwise - with wifi. Here in Fernie, there are 5 in walking distance! As I sit in the Cincott Organic Market and Cafe and eavesdrop on the conversations around me, I haven't noticed the same kind of prejudices in the conversations. Perhaps I'm biased. Perhaps I need to be sitting in a different kind of coffee shop. Perhaps we just have lots of work to do across our great nation to dispel those kinds of attitudes.

Right now, I don't want to go anywhere else. The organic Moroccan soup is too good.

Mommy Addiction

I have been wondering what to write about. It occurs to me that there are so many things that can take up this space - food security, Canadian foreign policy, comment on BC's Health Minister saying it's OK to have private billing....the list goes on. But today, I opened my email to the Globe and Mail and started reading an article on 'the new mommy'. Those women that are recent moms (like in the last 10-15 years) and what they are now doing to cope with the hard work of motherhood.

So, lets be clear. I have no idea what it means to be a mother. I suspect that my own dadhood is no where near as difficult as motherhood. I didn't really see it at the time, but my kids mom went through hell in becoming a new mom. Cut off in many ways from adult contact, rarely doing things in the day that would be considered "stimulating" - endless loads of laundry, breast feeding, reading and playing, breast feeding, soothing the child, breast feeding....you get the picture. And now, 12 years later my sister had a child. This independent woman turned into a wide-eyed, house-bound crazy woman! Gawd, I'm glad I'm a man!!!!

So I was very interested to read this article. That there are moms out there that take time to themselves and with their friends is refreshing. Of course, the author has to quote professionals that warn against alcohol consumption - particularly for those that are "predisposed" to alcoholism. This is precisely the kind of thinking that our current policy on drugs and the "war on drugs" is based on.

In the 1970's, psychologist Bruce K. Alexander and his colleagues at Simon Fraser University conducted experiments using rats and morphine - kind of like B.F. Skinner did in the 1950's. Our current drug policy and our understanding of addiction is based on these experiments by Skinner. He would place a rat in a box and feed it all the morphine it wanted. As expected, the rat would become hopelessly addicted. Alexander changed it up a bit. he placed the rats in their natural environment - in a colony with all their needs met: food, hiding places, toys water and....plenty of morphine. Curiously, the rats would try the morphine from time to time but none of them became addicted. This was a problem. So they put the rats in Skinner boxes and made them addicts. When they went back to rat park, they detoxed themselves and would continue to occasionally use morphine but never became re-addicted!

Many of us medicate ourselves for various reasons. We have been doing it for time immemorial. These experiments are essential in our understanding of addiction. The rats in rat park were using morphine recreationally - like going out for a drink with friends. It wasn't until their environment severely stressed them in the Kinner box that they actually medicated themselves to relieve the emotional pain that they became addicted. None of them were "predisposed" to addiction and the drug itself (known to become "addicting") made them addicted.

So back to the moms. Moms deal with extremely stressful environments. Some are even painful. So though I agree that some of these moms could be joking about alcohol to cover up an addiction, it is not because they are "predisposed" to it. It is because they are trying to cope with stress, pain, isolation and unstimulation, often with very little support (yes dad's, get your ass in gear and contribute to at least half of the housework!). So lets give a shout out to all those moms out there living with the toughest job in the world. And let them know that there are ways to cope with their environmental stressors other than self-medicating.

And while your at it, check out these awesome websites:

http://momswhodrinkandswear.com/Home.html
http://junecleaverafterasix-pack.blogspot.com/
http://www.whymomdrinksrum.net/

A Community Tried in the Fire

Community.

Often that term brings up some form of romantic imagery from the past - a small farming or fishing village; Little House on the Prairie kind of thinking. But really, community is a state of being. It is what we make it; where we find ourselves. Community is where people come together with common interest. That could be in a town, a service club, around an issue or through a sporting group.

Yesterday, I saw how a vacation/recreation property is a community. A group of us went for a hike in East Sooke Park, just west of Victoria. It was a beautiful day and we sat on shore part way through the hike to watch the Swiftsure Sailboat race. Very exciting. Afterwards, we stopped down the road at a marina/RV park to have a drink at the Smoking Tuna Cafe. Sitting on the patio enjoying the view and the company, my daughter pointed behind the cafe and asked what that smoke was from. It certainly didn't look like campfire smoke. And it wasn't.

The RV's at this place are not the kind that come and go. They are typically left there and people add on decks, rooms and cute little yards. In fact, my former spouse and I had a trailer there many years ago. It's a sweet little slice of heaven. The kids and others ran around the side of the cafe and started yelling to call 911. One of these little places was very quickly becoming fully invlolved in flames.

Everyone that was at thier trailers this weekend were running to help. I heard someone call for a first aid kit. I dug into my trunk to get mine. I went wandering around to try and find where it might be needed but couldn't locate anyone. I have to admit that I didn't look really hard. I could see my daugheter was extrememly distraught by the scene and I felt much more concern for her and my son than anyone else. I kept looking around and seeing that there were so many people pitching in to help; this community was really coming together to address the emrgency that was developing.

My friend Nathaniel was in there like a dirty shirt. I saw him pitching water and, later, helping with one of the victims while the paramedics worked. I went back to the water where the kids were waiting. They all looked in shock. I took them back to the deck of the cafe and settled them back down at the tables - by this time the cafe had closed down but seemed happy to have the kids sit there.

I went back up and by this time the fire trucks had arrived and put out the flames. It was burned to the ground. I went around the other side and found the paramedics working on the elderly man that was pulled from the fire by one of the community heros. He was hurt but appeared ok. Nathaniel was helping there. I helped the mans wife that was unhurt but panicking quite severely. She had someone from the community comforting her and I helped with the oxygen mask.

It was an incredible community effort. Both neighbouring RV's were spared through thier efforts, cars were dragged from danger and, most importantly, lives were saved! The professionals showed up in time to tie things up.

I was very impressed.

For pictures, go to Nathaniel's blog: www.loosemoorings.org

Sleeping in Victoria

Finally!!

One has to wonder what kind of society we live in when, not only are people left homeless, we don't even want a homeless person covering their head while they sleep in a PUBLICLY OWNED space. That's how it has been in Victoria, City of Gardens, until yesterday.

A B.C. Supreme Court judge has struck down the City of Victoria's bylaws that prevent homeless people from sleeping in city parks.

In a judgment released today, Justice Carol Ross found it is unconstitutional to prevent homeless people from sleeping on public property or erecting shelter to protect themselves when there are not enough shelter beds available for the number who are homeless.

“We're very, very pleased,” said Catherine Boies Parker, one of the lawyers representing the people challenging the bylaws. “It's a huge step towards recognizing the importance of the safety and the dignity of homeless people.”

Victoria mayor Alan Lowe the local Times colonist reports, will release a statement later in the day.

“I'm sleeping in a tent-city tonight,” wrote David Arthur Johnston, one of the defendants challenging the bylaws, in an e-mail. Supporters were to meet at the Victoria court house at noon.

So now we wait and see. Will this scenario run like that of the courts ruling on Insite where the Conservative government is appealing the ruling that it is unconstitutional to not provide safe consuption space? Will the city decide they just don't want to support struggling people in the most simplest of ways?

On my blog, I can say what I want. Why, why does the ruling class hate helping those that struggle in our society?

Time is Ticking....

Many things have changed since my posts last year. Some of you may know that I have moved to Victoria to join the Provincial Government. I now work as a Policy Analyst for the Ministry for Children and Family Development. It's been a great move and I really enjoy the job.

I also volunteer with InnovativeCommunities.org. This organization works to bring social justice to various aspect of our live both here and internationally. you can read more about the work here: www.innovativecommunities.org

I will try to make this a regular post from now on. Stay tuned..........

Resources, Taxes and Those 'Lazy' Poor People

Not sure where to start.

On Monday afternoon I went to the book launch of “A Wealth of Resources: Cheap, Free and Savvy Options in Kamloops, BC.” The book was compile by Skylark and offers resource options organized by the category that you are looking for. It is pretty user-friendly and a must-have, I think, in every social agency office. These kinds of initiatives deserve, require, our support. After all, your agency is listed at least once in this resource and you have to do nothing except purchase one or two copies for the office ($25 each). That’s cheap advertising! Do your part and check it out: www.themoneycoach.ca What amazes me most is the amont of work and research someone has to go through to make things affordable for themselves.

I recently heard (later announced on CBC Radio One) that there is a proposal floating in Kelowna that a 1% tax be levied on new development permits to address affordable housing. It is estimated that the annual income from this tax would be about $3 million. Of course, this would not be nearly enough to build even an inadequate amount (estimates are that they are short about 6000 units) but it can certainly go a long way in leveraging money from other sources. Perhaps we need to look at similar creative ways in Kamloops and other cities. I do have a problem with this, however. To what extent is this kind of initiative relieving the province and Ottawa of their responsibility for affordable housing? Will the burden of safe and affordable housing units fall onto individual municipal governments by incremental progression of these kinds of initiatives? Thomas Walkom’s article on the Rabble web site (originally in the Toronto Star) this week addresses some of these issues. It is titled, “Why Our Strategy is Short-sighted.”

Having browsed through Skylarks book and reflected on the incredible shortage of safe affordable housing in our province, it is unclear to me how anyone can say that the poor (and those that help/advocte for them) are not hard workers.

I'm Back

After a long hiatus, I have returned. There has been some significant happenings in my neck of the woods. As I mentioned in my last post, my father-in-law past away. He was a man who, by typical standards, lead a very difficult, sometimes chaotic life. He typically lived in substandard housing, struggled with addiction to alcohol and, although he worked very hard, had a difficult time maintaining traditional employment. He died from lung cancer. When he went to the hospital, they couldn't intubate him because there wasn't enough room in the lungs. How long had this been going on?

I suggest that this is typical of people living in poverty in our country. They do not trust those with any perceived authority. And why should they? Those with power and control have only served to inhibit their access to finances, housing, health services etc. Think about all the roadblocks we put up for low- and limited-income earners in our society. Think of how monitored those in poverty can become. Health professionals, social workers, financial assistance workers, social service agencies...the list goes on. If you were so monitored, would you want yet another professional monitoring your body, your behavior? It seems irrational but people without much control in their lives have got to take control somewhere. Unfortunately, it can be in the most unhealthy of ways.

Although not directly related to housing, this issue is related to my previous post about support. Support, not just for the people we might call our clients, but also for those landlords that choose to provide affordable housing. Had my father-in-law's landlord been able to access support for having an individual with addiction and poverty issues, the home may have been better maintained. Perhaps the landlord could have helped support him in accessing proper health care.

It Takes A.....

I came across an interesting local study. Released last July 2005 by The Social Planning Council for the North Okanagan, one of the most interesting findings was the need of private landlords for adequate supports. In the study area (Vernon, BC), a good portion of affordable housing for harder to house individuals (those with FASD, brain injury, mental health issues, etc) is supplied by private landlords as opposed to social service agencies or government. The greatest barrier to both maintaining the current housing stock and expanding capacity, is profitability.

Profitability may seem like challenges our sensibilities when considering affordable housing for vulnerable populations. But consider what it takes to purchase, hold and maintain a property. There must but at least some sense of profit if even to maintain a replacement reserve. There is no doubt that there are nefarious landlords to be found. However, how often does a suite need to be rebuilt before it becomes a losing enterprise?

Here's what the study found:

"There is little information available that discusses strategies for working with the low-end private rental sector - the single largest source of rental housing for low income people in Canada - to offer safe, secure housing for individuals whose cognitive and/or behavioral impairments make it difficult for them to secure and maintain housing." (p. 20)

Further,

"The fact remains, however, that the private sector will continue to be the main provider of low cost rental housing in most communities across Canada, particularly in smaller urban and rural areas. The literature review confirms the need for intensive exploration of ways in which service providers can work with cognitively impaired tenants and with private sector landlords to provide the supports each needs to maintain stable housing situations." (p. 21)

I think that what we can take from this is the realization that it takes more than simply more housing stock. Don't get me wrong. More housing stock is an absolute nessecity. We are all aware of the low vacancy rate and very difficult time we have in finding housing for our clients. But that's just it. Landlords that want to see a return on their investment - or at least a break-even - are increasingly reluctant to accept individuals that are typically hard-to-house. We really need to make the case that the most important component to stable housing is support.