Just Pour Some Vodka on It: Or Something Like That…

WOW! I’m a man - and I just don’t get it. Which, of course, may be of no surprise to many of you reading this. But hang on a minute; It’s not that I don’t get women, it’s that you are so freakin powerful and I wonder if you are even aware of it! Before I continue, let me be clear: I don’t make up excuses for behaviour. That’s just not me. Yet, at the same time, it’s important that we become aware of how bad behaviour develops. And I’m talking about BAD behaviour, not bad (wink wink) behaviour. For example, when we are treated badly – disrespected, ignored, manipulated, etc – we sometimes find other ways of coping with those lousy feelings that come along with that.

One way to deal with bad behaviour is to pour vodka on it. Hey, I’ve done it. When my former girlfriend and I broke up not too long ago I went out and poured gin aaaalllllllll over those feelings of rejection. Yeah, I forgot about them that evening, but they got me again the next day! So, those ways of coping can come in various forms and are typically self destructive in a variety of ways – physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually.

What the heck am I talking about? And didn’t I say that women are powerful? Ok, here we go. Whenever someone behaves badly toward you, you will resist that bad behaviour---we all do. Therefore, YOU. ARE. NOT. A. HELPLESS. VICTIM. You respond in ways that keep you safe. If your girl/boyfriend/spouse is treating you poorly or abusing your trust in some way, you always take action to resist that. Anyway, let me try and sum up this idea from the guy who initiated the idea - Alan Wade. He put this idea out there in an article way back in 1997: Small Acts of Living: Everyday Resistance to Violence and Other Forms of Oppression. Basically, when you think about how you would stop those acts against you, or refuse to be a part of it, or imagine a better way of being, you are then responding through resisting.

Now, can you think of how you respond, either outright or in the background (passively)? For example, when your partner withholds affection from you (emotionally harming you), how do you respond? Do you tell him/her to f**k off, or do you try to imagine a relationship where both of you are affectionate unconditionally? BOTH are equally valid ways of responding to and resisting violence and oppression. Do you see your power? When we become aware that everything we do (or appear not to do) is an act of resistance, then we become powerful. We become agents of change in our own lives. You are not a victim of the garbage that happens around you. You get to choose how your life rolls out and how you respond.

Think about your power. Think about how you respond and how resistance works in your life.

Next time, we will explore how someone who treats you badly – a spouse, parent, co-worker – is also using some kind of self-destructive coping mechanism. This is not to excuse the behaviour but to understand its origins. Stay tuned.

Slow-Burn Epiphany

The other day, on Twitter, I said, “Acknowledging the positive is more effective than berating the negative.” What’s wrong with me? You all know that I like rage against the machine – point out what is wrong with how things are done in our society. And don’t get me wrong – I see many things wrong with how we allow our society to be run. Like, 1% of our population owning 50% of our wealth! Grrrrrrr…..

But something else has come up for me recently. It’s been like a slow-burn epiphany of sorts. Over the last few months, I have made an effort to acknowledge the positive in my life, and have begun to believe those that acknowledge the same in me. And I notice the difference! My outlook is more positive overall. In the face of the negative that happens around me, I still feel happy.

So, with this newfound positive outlook, what’s a guy to do when I see all these problems!!!? This came up on my social media accounts over the last little while. I expressed offence at consistently being referred to as a “taxpayer” in the media and by politicians of all stripes. Some people agreed and expressed their frustration while others express privilege at being acknowledged for contributing financially to our country. Differences are to be expected. But how do I reconcile this newfound positive outlook with the pointing out of problems?

I see it like this: if I’m going to point out a problem in our society/system/etc then I better be prepared to offer a solution. Or point to those that are working on a solution.

So here it is. The term “taxpayer” as the media and politicians use it, leaves out many people who can’t contribute financially to our system. It assumes they don’t have a voice because they don’t contribute. Yet, on close examination, all of us contribute in various ways – taxes being but one of those ways. Think about all the ways you contribute every day to make Canada the kind of society it is. It also assumes that all who pay taxes have a voice. This is untrue. Businesses and corporations pay taxes but are not entitled to a say in our democracy: they can’t vote or otherwise participate directly – only individual citizens can.

My solution: lets get back to referring to ourselves as citizens so we are all included! A citizen is an individual that is entitled to participate in our democracy and contributes in a variety of ways to Canadian society.

Why All the Love?

Seriously! Where does it all come from? And by love i mean trust. Trust. this is not something we normally give away for free. In fact, as a Social Worker/counsellor, trust is the primary facet of every therapeutic relationship and I work hard and carefully to earn it from every person I've every worked with. I ask for it and realize that part of earning it is giving some up to my client first - even if it hasn't been earned yet.

Trust forms part of what we call "social capital". Social capital can be described as a kind of cohesion that forms between people and organizations when people participate with each other in community and begin to trust one another. This happens over time and is either earned directly or through association with other trusted individuals.

Given the world we live in with social media dominating our relationshipscapes, Why All the Love??!

I have had this brewing in the back of my mind for a while now. But it really hit home during a recent trip to the interior. I am an avid twitterer and saw that a connection from there was also traveling to Kelowna the same time I was there. I sent her a message and asked if she would like to meet for coffee or a drink. She agreed. My friend and I went to meet her one evening and during our conversation we talked about how easily we give up trust in people we meet this way. I have had many recent examples where I meet people from twitter or elsewhere for coffee. having never met each other, without fail, one party always leaves their belongings at the table after the hand-shake to go get a coffee. Somehow, having never met you in person, I'm willing to leave my laptop, keys, cell phone etc with you. I have just transferred my trust to you.

In Kelowna, the women we met with told us that her husband had offered to come along and she declined feeling that she trusted us - two strangers. Did she have enough information from our tweets and blogs to know we were trustworthy? She noted that when she walked into the restaurant and saw us, she intuitively knew that it would be ok. How does this happen? What is it that helps us distinguish who to trust like this? Or, as we hear reports of people being stalked through social media such as FourSquare, are we just being far too trusting?

This post, I hope, will form more of a discussion. I really want input on this. what are your thoughts?

Passion and Delusion

What does it mean to be passionate; to really, I mean REALLY believe in something? When someone is passionate about an issue, are they deluded into believing that what they do and think will change things? Is what they fill their thoughts and time with based on an irrational belief that isn't the reality for anyone else?

I suppose we all know people like this. Sometimes, we call them 'zealots', 'ideologues', 'fundamentalists'. We may refer to them as 'idealistic' or suggest that they are 'unrealistic' or 'impractical'. To understand what it means to be passionate about something one has to understand what drives the passion. Everything we do - our behaviors, attitudes, beliefs - is rooted somewhere in our past. Even if our past is twelve minutes ago.

My experience with beliefs and behaviors is that we tend to operate at the level of fear. Wait! don't leave yet, it's not all about negativity! Humans have tens of thousands of years of evolutionary experience crammed into our brains. Much of it had to do with survival - that fight or flight impulse. This is not something we are bound to overcome with only a couple of hundred years of modern-era living. We used to operate in survival mode - much of humanity still does (if you are reading this, you are one of the precious few humans that don't have to be concerned about day to day survival - you, are wealthy and privileged). This mode of existence is ingrained in us. We can't escape it.

But, we can adapt. And adapt is what we do best. So, those of us that are passionate about issues, beliefs politics, science etc are typically trying to make the world a better place. Why? Because we fear a world without the benefits of what we are passionate about. We don't want to see things to stay the same - we want less pain, more convenience or greater equality. Or, for my more conservative friends, we want to ensure our life and society remains more or less predictable. So, out of fear, we get fired up - this is not a bad thing. It is what has driven human kind - we have great civilizations, technologies, insights and, yes, social interventions to show for this instinct.

In the end, it seems that having passion does not mean one has delusional tendencies. But what is important is tempering that passion to coincide with our present reality. Understanding that it is rooted in fear of something and fear is not a healthy way to operate every day - even though so much good has come out of people being passionate.

It's all about awareness of ourselves and balance.

Parents – Can’t Live With ‘em, Can’t Shoot ‘em!

Having spent almost three weeks with my parents this summer, then another week in the fall, I've learned a thing or two. Of course, no matter what one does, there is always something to learn. But I think our parents really bring out those opportunities. For many years, I have found the relationship with my own parents somewhat of an enigma; like I was missing something along the way. The thing is, I've always believed that we always try to be better parents than what our parents were. This was never more real to me than after I had my own kids. Both their mom and I purposely did things differently than what we experienced as kids. The enigma, the unreachable, missing piece to my relationship with my parents was that I couldn't figure out why my parents didn't appear to do things any differently than their parents. Well, what did I know!!

It seems that ALL of us have that impulse – to be better parents to our own children. That includes our own parents. Given my propensity to observe among other things, the behaviour of others, I knew this. But I didn't know the details surrounding what that means. Now I know. Now the enigma is no more and I get it. What my parents do, what your parents do, is a reaction to their own parents. It may not be perfect – may even be quite dysfunctional – but they are trying to do it differently than they experienced it.

But enough about me and you and our reactions to our parents. What about their reactions and behaviours toward us, as adult children? What is it that they are trying to do? It may be difficult for many of us to believe but our parents are, essentially, human – just like us! It seems to me that as such, they will tend to react in ways that other typical humans act and behave. They will behave out of fear. The fear can be real and rational or it can be perceived and irrational. So the reality is, when our parents behave/react towards us, they are reacting to fear. We all do at some level. The question remains, are they reacting to rational fear or irrational fear?

The key to solving this mystery is to sit back and notice our own reactions and behaviours. When I stridently hold to a belief, what is my deep motivation for doing so? If I'm angry at my child for not doing the dishes when I've asked them to, what am I afraid of losing? Beyond the obvious, what am I trying to accomplish by impressing my boss or client? Deeper acknowledgement of our true selves can reveal that these behaviours are rooted in experiences we had when we were young children. These served us well for some time. Fear of losing control, fear of being wrong, fear of not being accepted – or even abandoned. So we develop behaviours that help to alleviate those things. The problem is, as adults, we have much more control of our environment than we did as children. But we are reacting to those same fears.

And our parents are too. It is very likely they are nor more self-aware than I am – maybe even less. This doesn't excuse anyone's behaviour or seek to address blame for our own behaviour. It provides information and understanding to help us grow....