Just Pour Some Vodka on It: Or Something Like That…

WOW! I’m a man - and I just don’t get it. Which, of course, may be of no surprise to many of you reading this. But hang on a minute; It’s not that I don’t get women, it’s that you are so freakin powerful and I wonder if you are even aware of it! Before I continue, let me be clear: I don’t make up excuses for behaviour. That’s just not me. Yet, at the same time, it’s important that we become aware of how bad behaviour develops. And I’m talking about BAD behaviour, not bad (wink wink) behaviour. For example, when we are treated badly – disrespected, ignored, manipulated, etc – we sometimes find other ways of coping with those lousy feelings that come along with that.

One way to deal with bad behaviour is to pour vodka on it. Hey, I’ve done it. When my former girlfriend and I broke up not too long ago I went out and poured gin aaaalllllllll over those feelings of rejection. Yeah, I forgot about them that evening, but they got me again the next day! So, those ways of coping can come in various forms and are typically self destructive in a variety of ways – physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually.

What the heck am I talking about? And didn’t I say that women are powerful? Ok, here we go. Whenever someone behaves badly toward you, you will resist that bad behaviour---we all do. Therefore, YOU. ARE. NOT. A. HELPLESS. VICTIM. You respond in ways that keep you safe. If your girl/boyfriend/spouse is treating you poorly or abusing your trust in some way, you always take action to resist that. Anyway, let me try and sum up this idea from the guy who initiated the idea - Alan Wade. He put this idea out there in an article way back in 1997: Small Acts of Living: Everyday Resistance to Violence and Other Forms of Oppression. Basically, when you think about how you would stop those acts against you, or refuse to be a part of it, or imagine a better way of being, you are then responding through resisting.

Now, can you think of how you respond, either outright or in the background (passively)? For example, when your partner withholds affection from you (emotionally harming you), how do you respond? Do you tell him/her to f**k off, or do you try to imagine a relationship where both of you are affectionate unconditionally? BOTH are equally valid ways of responding to and resisting violence and oppression. Do you see your power? When we become aware that everything we do (or appear not to do) is an act of resistance, then we become powerful. We become agents of change in our own lives. You are not a victim of the garbage that happens around you. You get to choose how your life rolls out and how you respond.

Think about your power. Think about how you respond and how resistance works in your life.

Next time, we will explore how someone who treats you badly – a spouse, parent, co-worker – is also using some kind of self-destructive coping mechanism. This is not to excuse the behaviour but to understand its origins. Stay tuned.

Why All the Love?

Seriously! Where does it all come from? And by love i mean trust. Trust. this is not something we normally give away for free. In fact, as a Social Worker/counsellor, trust is the primary facet of every therapeutic relationship and I work hard and carefully to earn it from every person I've every worked with. I ask for it and realize that part of earning it is giving some up to my client first - even if it hasn't been earned yet.

Trust forms part of what we call "social capital". Social capital can be described as a kind of cohesion that forms between people and organizations when people participate with each other in community and begin to trust one another. This happens over time and is either earned directly or through association with other trusted individuals.

Given the world we live in with social media dominating our relationshipscapes, Why All the Love??!

I have had this brewing in the back of my mind for a while now. But it really hit home during a recent trip to the interior. I am an avid twitterer and saw that a connection from there was also traveling to Kelowna the same time I was there. I sent her a message and asked if she would like to meet for coffee or a drink. She agreed. My friend and I went to meet her one evening and during our conversation we talked about how easily we give up trust in people we meet this way. I have had many recent examples where I meet people from twitter or elsewhere for coffee. having never met each other, without fail, one party always leaves their belongings at the table after the hand-shake to go get a coffee. Somehow, having never met you in person, I'm willing to leave my laptop, keys, cell phone etc with you. I have just transferred my trust to you.

In Kelowna, the women we met with told us that her husband had offered to come along and she declined feeling that she trusted us - two strangers. Did she have enough information from our tweets and blogs to know we were trustworthy? She noted that when she walked into the restaurant and saw us, she intuitively knew that it would be ok. How does this happen? What is it that helps us distinguish who to trust like this? Or, as we hear reports of people being stalked through social media such as FourSquare, are we just being far too trusting?

This post, I hope, will form more of a discussion. I really want input on this. what are your thoughts?