Having spent almost three weeks with my parents this summer, then another week in the fall, I've learned a thing or two. Of course, no matter what one does, there is always something to learn. But I think our parents really bring out those opportunities. For many years, I have found the relationship with my own parents somewhat of an enigma; like I was missing something along the way. The thing is, I've always believed that we always try to be better parents than what our parents were. This was never more real to me than after I had my own kids. Both their mom and I purposely did things differently than what we experienced as kids. The enigma, the unreachable, missing piece to my relationship with my parents was that I couldn't figure out why my parents didn't appear to do things any differently than their parents. Well, what did I know!!
It seems that ALL of us have that impulse – to be better parents to our own children. That includes our own parents. Given my propensity to observe among other things, the behaviour of others, I knew this. But I didn't know the details surrounding what that means. Now I know. Now the enigma is no more and I get it. What my parents do, what your parents do, is a reaction to their own parents. It may not be perfect – may even be quite dysfunctional – but they are trying to do it differently than they experienced it.
But enough about me and you and our reactions to our parents. What about their reactions and behaviours toward us, as adult children? What is it that they are trying to do? It may be difficult for many of us to believe but our parents are, essentially, human – just like us! It seems to me that as such, they will tend to react in ways that other typical humans act and behave. They will behave out of fear. The fear can be real and rational or it can be perceived and irrational. So the reality is, when our parents behave/react towards us, they are reacting to fear. We all do at some level. The question remains, are they reacting to rational fear or irrational fear?
The key to solving this mystery is to sit back and notice our own reactions and behaviours. When I stridently hold to a belief, what is my deep motivation for doing so? If I'm angry at my child for not doing the dishes when I've asked them to, what am I afraid of losing? Beyond the obvious, what am I trying to accomplish by impressing my boss or client? Deeper acknowledgement of our true selves can reveal that these behaviours are rooted in experiences we had when we were young children. These served us well for some time. Fear of losing control, fear of being wrong, fear of not being accepted – or even abandoned. So we develop behaviours that help to alleviate those things. The problem is, as adults, we have much more control of our environment than we did as children. But we are reacting to those same fears.
And our parents are too. It is very likely they are nor more self-aware than I am – maybe even less. This doesn't excuse anyone's behaviour or seek to address blame for our own behaviour. It provides information and understanding to help us grow....
